Zeeyqa, Fourteen, Malaysian.
I'm not your Barbie doll. Weird and random. Lovestruk idiot. Broken and fragile. A big mess. Mayday Parade and Simple Plan. Alternative rock. Vampire Diaries and The Orignals, Damon Salvatore and Niklaus Mikaelson. I don't believe in forever. When I fall, I fall hard. Giving too much fucks is my problem. Bruises, cuts and scars. I don't let you see the good in me. I love and I hate. Trying to live life to the fullest. This is who I am. Infinite x's and o's.
Fuck Society.
Friday, 30 December 2011 @ 20:08
"How are you?"
"I'm fine."
One of the biggest lies that I tell to everyone.
I just want to warn you that this post will be so dramatic. Like supahhhhhhh dramatic. Skip this post, if you want to. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place, like somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you? Do you ever wanna run away? Do you lock yourself in your room with the radio on turned up so loud, that no one hears you screaming? - Simple Plan
That song... The perfectest song to describe a teenager like me. I do feel breaking down, I do feel like out of place, I do wanna run away, I do lock myself in my room with the radio on turned up so loud. I just love Simple Plan. It's like they describing my life, my stupid boring life.
Do you ever describe to someone about your life? I did but I will never ever do that again because no one will understand. I mean, why do you have to talk about something to someone that who won't give a fuck? You're just wasting your time and get a heart broken because you realize that no one really cares about you. NO ONE. They're just faking that they do when they actually don't. Ahh, I just don't get with human beings. Full of lies and fakes. Some people say, that's matured. Okay, maybe it is. Matured enough to ignore the feeling of HATE towards people. Or maybe, not?
But, some people don't fake. They say everything and they mean every single word that comes out from their ugly mouth. The truthful ones... and sarcastic. Even when it hurts others. They think, it's cool to say everything that's in their head when actually it's not. It can hurt people and you have no idea how much they have to pretend that those words you say are killing them. You don't know that they cry their self to sleep. I'm not saying that I'm neither of them. I'm both of them. I admit it. I, sometimes, do pretend that I like you and fake a happy feeling when I'm with you even though I feel like stabbing you in the back a thousand times. I also, do, say something that hurt people... A LOT of times. And, I'm also the girl who cries myself to sleep.
THIS!!!
I'm broken inside. I feel useless to everyone. I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by millions of people. I'm clueless and confused about everything. People betrayed me. I'm fragile. I'm on the verge of tears. I'm so depressed. I'm anxious. I'm about to break down. Oh, wait no. I already am breaking down. I'm ready to give up everyone and everything. I'm pathetic. I'm annoying. I feel very distant to everyone. I'm lonely. I'm bitter. My heart is broken. I got rejected by 70% of people. I'm crushed by the words you said. I feel like I'm going to just fall apart at any moment. I feel empty. I feel defeated. I WILL NEVER EVER be good enough for everyone. Never.
And... this.
I feel that everyday. It's not like I wanna be pretty and get all the attention from the guys. Oh, please, no. I'm not a slut and I'm so not into having a relationship right now. I just wanna feel better, and for once... I just wanna look in the mirror and say, "WOW." in a good way. I know, I'm not the type of girl who has a gorgeous smile, stunning face, super long shiny hair, perfect body, attract every guys' eyes, guys would stare at when walking down the streets, gets 100+ likes in Facebook whenever they post a picture. I'm not that kind of girl. This is who I am; I have flaws and insecurities and I get jealous easily.
I'm just not good enough. I don't want people to say "OMG, You're so pretty." or "Damn, that girl is so hot." or "One word for you, gorgeous.". Oh, please. That's a bitch thing. Ugh. I just wanna feel better. I think I said that twice or maybe thrice? I want confidence but every time I try to build my confidence, someone will break me down. Like, example, "K, you're so fat." or "You don't look good at that because you're fat." or "Is it just me or are you getting fatter?". Ohmyygahh! Does everyone have to tell me that every single fucking day that I live? I gained weight this year, so what? If I gain wait, are you going to gain weight, too? Zzz. I can be an anorexic, you know? Oh, wait. I did but then I started to eat, again because my parents got mad at me for dieting. See? People tell me, "Have more confidence." What do you expect from me after you said all those words? -.-
Don't tell me who I should be and don't try to tell me what's right for me. Don't tell me what I should do. I don't want to waste my time. I'll watch you fade away. -Simple Plan